Sunday, July 31, 2011

Stream of Consciousness Sunday - Balancing Guilt and Responsibility

Week 4 is here of my Stream of Consciousness Sunday posts. I'm sure you are thinking: "What in the heck is she talking about now? Balancing Guilt and Responsibility?!"

I saw a post on Friday by the Circle of Moms Editors called "Should You Stop at One? How to Decide Whether to Have Another Child." For us our dilemma is not so much whether we want to have another child but rather when to stop trying.  We originally thought we would space our children perfectly three years apart so Munchkin would be out of diapers & ready to share his world with a sibling.  How was I to know that when my son was 2 1/2 I would experience a layoff, throwing a total wrench in our master plan.

I was paranoid about bringing another life in to the family no knowing how long I would be out of work & how we would be able to afford another little mouth & all the things that come along with them.  After a while we were convinced that maybe this would be a good window to conceive after all because I wouldn't need to worry about maternity leave shortly after starting a new job.

Long story short after not too much longer we were pregnant, however it wasn't meant to be - we miscarried.  After that we waited a year to start trying again - half because I read that was the right thing to do & half because I was again unsure if we were making the right choice.  

We decided to keep trying because our son was rapidly approaching four yrs old.  Again we conceived & we were thrilled & confident this time would be the charm... and once again we lost the pregnancy to miscarriage.

Don't get me wrong I've heard lovely stories about miracle kids who are conceived after multiple miscarriages, but I thought most of those moms were much younger than me.  I'll be 43 in less than two months & worry that we're quickly running out of time. Thus there is the guilt... that we didn't time things right & it may never happen.

Munchkin has an active imagination, one that includes an imaginary little sister that he talks to sometimes & even plays with.  His favorite thing to say as soon as we come through the door after work & daycare/preschool at night is "Play with Me".  I often think how much easier life would be on him with a sibling to love & grow up with.  He says often how he wishes our house was full of kids.

Next lies the responsibility - to give it one last try before either of us gets much older & if it happens - wonderful & if not, know that I'm not any less of a woman, wife & mom than I was 2 years ago.  Our son will still grow up loved & blessed & he'll be something great one day - whether or not we can give him a sibling.  And I have to be okay & live with that fact.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.

§         Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.

§         Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.

§         Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.

§         Link up your post at all.things.fadra

§         Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.


Good Girl Gone Green said...

You are most definitely no less than a women...I cant imagine what you are going through. Not an esay decision to make! Good luck to you and your husband. All the best!

Audra said...

Isn't it amazing how quickly our best-laid plans change? We had planned on spacing ours three years apart. Here we are, pregnant with our THIRD and our first is not yet three years old. I struggle with similar fears of how will we provide for them as money is quite tight.

My thoughts - if it is meant to be, it will happen. If not, you have a fabulous son to love and enjoy as he grows!

~Rachée said...

My kid is MY only child but has a brother from her dad. She is happy and while I wish that I could have given her a sibling I love her so much and am happy with where we are in life. I think you and your family will make the right decision and wish you well.

Ashley, Brian and Drew said...

Its such a hard question... but no matter what, you are a great mom to the one you have... and that really is all that matters. Whatever comes next is fate.

all.things.fadra said...

This is a topic so near and dear to my heart. It's one I've struggled with consistently (but for different reasons). I'd love for you to read what I wrote about it. I'm also working on a longer piece to publish elsewhere about this very thing. {hugs} to you. What is meant to be, will be.

Melissa aka The Wife Icon said...

Stopping by from SOCS, and this is such a difficult subject. I am an only child myself. Sure I was lonely at times, I never wanted for much of anything, and sometimes now as an adult, I wish I had a sibling here to deal with my parents growing older along with me. But, it is what it is.

My own experiences are part of why I have a hard time saying my son will be our only. My husband is certain he does not want more children, but I am not. I am pretty sure, but not 100%. All I know is that having an only child, whether it be by choice or not, does not make anyone a bad parent. It doesn't deprive your child of a life that could have been. You fill your child's life with love, laughter, happiness...and they will never feel deprived or that they are missing out.

Monika said...

Ladies - thanks to all of you for your comments. There were two very difficult subjects at play here & there's always a risk about speaking out about either one. There really are no right answers. What will be will be & we all live to deal with the hand we're dealt. Fadra thanks to you for sharing your post. Again it goes to show that whatever your reasons & whatever you are going through there's someone out there who can identify & empathize with you. The writing & then sharing - leaving yourself exposed & vulnerable is so healing. Nothing else has worked quite like it for me. This blog is truly a blessing for that reason.